On this month of the International Women’s Day

I arrived in Sri Lanka in an amazing energy but soon realized that something has changed after a few days here.  The country was not seducing me at all and something about the piercing gaze of Sri Lankan men made me uncomfortable.

For the first time I did not feel at my place. The energy of the country was not vibrating with mine. As I was about to live in this country for two months, I had to be patient. Or better, I had to change my energy. It took me a month. A month accusing the country of my bad temper and my fatigue.

One afternoon at the beach, I thought of asking the cleansing power of the sea to free me from this bad energy that clung to my skin. In the water, I visualized myself as a snake molting. I had to leave this negative energy envelope that stifled me to replace it with a brand new one in order to grow. And from that moment, I said to myself that I will no longer say that I don’t like Sri Lanka.

“You know great things are coming When Everything Seems to be going wrong. Old energy is clearing out for new energy to enter. Be patient! “

My energy has improved significantly as my perception of the country but I needed more time to talk about Sri Lanka. When I initially started to write this article, I learned that my grandmother had just passed away. My heart suddenly found all the words to tell her goodbye in this tribute.

So before I leave the country after a two month stay, here’s the first of my two articles on Sri Lanka.

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A bit of history
The country is in deep changes. It’s quietly recovering from a civil war (1983-2009) that opposed the Sri Lankan government dominated by the Buddhist Sinhalese majority to the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), a separatist organization fighting for the creation of an independent state where lives the majority of Tamils (East and North of the country). The war would have caused the death of over 70,000 people and 140,000 would be missing. Tamils would have benefited from special treatment from the British during colonization, which sparked rivalry between the two communities. It was the British who introduced tea cultivation and rail network in the country formerly called Ceylon. During the civil war, the country has also been hit hard by the tsunami in 2004.

The way men look at you
What I like the most when I travel is to have inviting interactions with the locals. When I arrived in Sri Lanka the first thing I noticed was the way men were looking at women and especially at women traveling alone. Even women traveling with their boyfriend felt a bit uncomfortable. Their deep black gaze can be either intimidating or nonchalant accompanied or not with a smile, depending on your (and their) energy.

The attitude of the men in the streets is sometimes difficult to qualify between kindness, curiosity or harassment (even when dressed very properly).

You can find a very kind old merchant who will tell you to be careful with the tuk tuk drivers because they can easily ripped you off. Another merchant will give you bananas and giving you a few fruits to taste with a sincere and endearing smile.

Others are curious. They seem eager to ask you the same questions: “Where are you from Madam?” – “Canada” – “Ohhh, beautiful country.” Canada raises a lot of respect and admiration. And by the way, more and more travellers tell me about our “super cool” Prime Minister!

Some young men (and older ones) will pursue their questions by asking, “Are you alone?” “Children?” “Do you like Sri Lanka (n) men” “Are you married? “, followed in some occasions by a “I like you”, “Facebook?”, “Local number?” I think the speed dating was invented by Sri Lankans. Must be! They do not waste time, that’s for sure. When it remains respectful, I laugh of it.

Some locals see it as a way to practice their English, to open themselves to the world, to know who’s interested in visiting their country.

But there are also unpleasant stories of tuk tuk drivers masturbating while looking at western women seated at the back seat from their retro mirror . Or, an employee of a guesthouse asking a woman if he can sleep in her room because the hotel is full and he has no place to sleep. And how a woman is supposed to react when a young man on a motorcycle slows down next to her to show her a porn movie on his cell phone while trying to ask her in a very limited English “if she likes?” … I was told that men are watching a lot of porn films which causes them to associate Western women to sex (and money).

At times I thought that if I’d stop smiling, avoiding eye contact and refusing to engage in a conversation with locals I would feel better. That I would avoid these situations. But that’s not how traveling is for me. I travel alone because it is precisely the interaction with locals that I enjoy the most. This is how I learn about a new culture.  This is why I felt some sort of inner conflict since my arrival.

One day in a hostel in Colombo a Pakistani asked me why I had stopped smiling. I explained to him that it was to avoid being constantly approached by men. He told me that I should not turn off my positive energy because of some idiots in the street. He was right.

***

In Sri Lanka, men are everywhere. They are driving tuk tuks, selling train and bus tickets, cooking national dishes in the stalls, serving in restaurants and bars, working in the shops and in beauty salons –  yes a man did my eyebrows!
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In small restaurants and traditional cafes, there are only men if not a few couples. I have never seen a group of women eating together, except in modern places.

I would say that Sri Lanka is a sexist country (of course, there’s worst). Power is obviously in the hands of the men. I have heard many times couples telling me that let say in a restaurant the waiter would only talk to the guy and not to her girlfriend.

I met a wonderful French couple who traveled across Sri Lanka by driving a tuk tuk. They gave me a ride to Negombo. I was sitting behind with Stan while his girlfriend, Marion, was driving. The reaction of the men on the road was oh so revealing! Apart a few “thumbs up”, most men were looking at Marion with a deep disapproving look. Especially older men. Other drivers would leave us no chance of passing. Stan told me that men were often asking him why he was letting his wife driving. One thing is certain, a woman driving a tuk tuk in Sri Lanka leaves no one indifferent.

Gallantry. Gallan… what? almost nonexistent. If I’m to wait in line to buy something in a small convenience store, men will pass me. It must be said that the principle of queuing does not really exist here. In crowded buses and trains, men will not stand up to give their seat to a woman. Ok, in some cases you can have a reserved seat depending on the destination and the type of train. I was in a situation where arriving by car with my client in a posh hotel, the doorman opened the door to him but not to me. Those are small daily winks that I consider revealing about the culture of the country. I am not complaining just observing.

This deep look and attitude seem to be the same whether you are Buddhist, Catholic, Muslim or Hindu the four main religions in the country that seem to coexist relatively well in appearance. However I have heard men saying they start to worry more and more about the rise of women wearing the niqab in the country. Apparently tensions would be more marital than religious. About 60% of women (if not more) are victims of domestic violence, a serious problem in Sri Lanka. Awareness campaigns are underway explaining that culture and religion do not excuse such treatments.

Sri Lankan women seem very discreet. I see them walking alone on the curb with their umbrellas as a protection from the sun or they walk behind their husband. Speaking of umbrellas, a classic scene at sunset is to see couples kissing under their umbrella. Surprisingly, the parks are usually crowded with young couples sitting at the foot of a tree playing in each other’s hair and kissing. Fascinating enough considering that Sri Lanka remains a very conservative country.

 

A conservative and traditional country also by the way women dress. In town, they wear either a sari, which I find so beautiful or otherwise a long skirt or pants with a shirt or blouse. At the beach, they bathe with shirt and shorts – never in bikini. They dress in white with their long skirts when they go to the Buddhist temple to pray. In Sri Lanka, the sarong is worn only by men. It is a wide one-size piece of fabric rolled and tied at the waist.

I had very little opportunity to interact with women. They seem to smile only when I smiled first. I understand that their English is limited. They will point me when disembarking of the bus if they see that I am not sure of where I am going. They seem to be in the shadow of their husband. But, there are also some young aspiring businesswomen including a young designer making upcycling fashion that I met. She is a great source of inspiration for future generations. The difference is easily seen among women of very modest background and women from an affluent background who have studied abroad.

This was the first time I felt much difference between men and women apart from my trip to Morocco. I particularly thought about this on the International Women’s Day.  I didn’t compare it with other countries I visited so far, but according to my own values as a woman.

In addition, another thing that I am now laughing about is the nonchalance here. You can wait forever in a restaurant before someone comes to take your order. In small places, the server may approach you with a “Hello, what do you want ?!” – probably something got lost in translation! In a store, employees can be there watching you wandering around but they would not offer any help.

This kind of nonchalant behaviour makes me laugh now but I know it can be annoying. Paired with a chaotic and uncomfortable environment it makes it difficult to say whether I like it or not. It seems like my opinion on it is neither black nor white. When I arrived I met travellers that were all feeling the same way. None of us were actually in love with the country and we didn’t understand what was all the buzz around Sri Lanka for. But now, in my case, after a two month stay, I start to appreciate it and even love it.

Now that you have a glimpse of my first impression I will come back to you shortly with a second article with all of my favorite everyday scenes. I am happy to say that I will leave Sri Lanka with my head and heart at peace.

Happiness and serenity,
Nathalie